Jon Hamm Had a Tall-Man Standoff with Donald Trump and Bill O’Reilly

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The Rumble in the Jungle. The Thrilla in Manila. That time Michael Phelps raced that shark. These are the great clashes of our modern age. They were huge, public events, coliseum spectacles put on for the masses, elaborate circuses to go with our bread. But just because they were the only monumental facings-off we saw doesn’t mean they were the only ones happening in our societies. Some seismic competitions occur away from the public eye, in more rarefied ecosystems. We, the witless hoi polloi, have no idea that, beyond our vision, masters of the universe have squared off, and we were no doubt affected by the outcome.

Take, for example, this story from the actor Jon Hamm, related to The New York Times in a new profile. Hamm, a regular habitué of comedy circuit events like the famously hip, exclusive Saturday Night Live after-parties, was at such a party when he went toe-to-toe with, well, someone who would soon become, nominally, the most powerful man in the world. Yes, it’s a Donald Trump story, from the time when he hosted S.N.L. during the 2016 campaign.

“He was with Bill O’Reilly,” Mr. Hamm said. “They’re both tall
dudes. And I’m a tall dude. And they both do that tall-dude thing,
which is try to intimidate you. And it doesn’t work on me. I’m like,
‘I’m as alpha as you. Let’s go. You’re not going to chest-bump me.’ It
was a very weird night. It was the shortest I’ve ever stayed at an
S.N.L. after-party.”

Isn’t that wild? Can you imagine witnessing such a thing? Three tall men—two of them idiots, one an actor—doing some weird tall-man thing to each other while, like, Chris Kelly drinks a vodka soda in the corner? What a thing! And most of us had no idea that it happened until just now. Doesn’t that make you feel strange, that forces far larger than ourselves are tousling and jockeying for power all while we are unaware?

We were probably asleep in our beds that fateful Saturday night, lost in dreams of another world. Or we were caught up in our own evenings, dark and bleary, going mad in apartments or bars or discotheques. We had no idea that somewhere out there, the future President of the United States and his soon-to-be-unemployed friend were having a tall-off with Jon Hamm.

The question in the end is, who won? Does anyone ever win in this sort of a thing? Well, yeah, sometimes. We say it’s Hamm who came out victorious this time, because he is now making a joke of it in a New York Times interview. Clearly he wasn’t fussed by the encounter, did not feel cowed by those two preposterous puff-heads. So let’s call this one for him. Sure, sure, those other dopes would contest it if they could, but for our purposes? Jon Hamm won this epic tall man pas de troix, one we had no ideas was even happening when it was. Who else could be going at it right now, as we speak? I suppose only time will tell.

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Full ScreenPhotos:Donald Trump’s Short Fingers: A Historical Analysis

“O.K., you, in the third row… Yes, you… I’m calling on you… Yes, that’s why I’m pointing… I’m pointing with my finger… My FINGER. This one… Why would you think I’m holding up a cocktail frank?”

Photo: By Justin Lane/EPA/Corbis.

In Iowa last January, Trump regales voters with a humanizing personal anecdote about how he once bit his right index finger after mistaking it for a half-eaten French fry.

In Iowa last January, Trump regales voters with a humanizing personal anecdote about how he once bit his right index finger after mistaking it for a half-eaten French fry.

Photo: By Jerry Mennenga/ZUMA Press/Corbis.

A wax figure of “Duke” Wayne looks on in disgust as Trump strains to reach his fingers all the way around daughter Aissa Wayne’s frankly rather petite shoulder. (Fun fact: you could load the barrel of Wayne’s pistol with 14 of Trump’s pinkies.)

A wax figure of “Duke” Wayne looks on in disgust as Trump strains to reach his fingers all the way around daughter Aissa Wayne’s frankly rather petite shoulder. (Fun fact: you could load the barrel of Wayne’s pistol with 14 of Trump’s pinkies.)

Photo: By Tannen Maury/EPA/Corbis.

As Trump talks straight through a lunch-hour town hall in February, hungry New Hampshire voters appear mesmerized by the five chicken-tender-like appendages radiating from his sausage-patty-size palm.

As Trump talks straight through a lunch-hour town hall in February, hungry New Hampshire voters appear mesmerized by the five chicken-tender-like appendages radiating from his sausage-patty-size palm.

Photo: From The Washington Post/.

At this 2005 gala, Trump, thinking quickly, uses both hands to keep wife Melania from getting a good look at the size of a single Puff Daddy hand.

At this 2005 gala, Trump, thinking quickly, uses both hands to keep wife Melania from getting a good look at the size of a single Puff Daddy hand.

Photo: By Johnny Nunez/WireImage/.

Trump’s delicate right hand is nearly crushed by his nine-year-old daughter Ivanka’s huge, burly mitt at a 1991 event.

Trump’s delicate right hand is nearly crushed by his nine-year-old daughter Ivanka’s huge, burly mitt at a 1991 event.

Photo: From The LIFE Picture Collection/.

Presented without comment.

Presented without comment.

Photo: By Scott Olson/.

“O.K., you, in the third row… Yes, you… I’m calling on you… Yes, that’s why I’m pointing… I’m pointing with my finger… My FINGER. This one… Why would you think I’m holding up a cocktail frank?”

By Justin Lane/EPA/Corbis.

In Iowa last January, Trump regales voters with a humanizing personal anecdote about how he once bit his right index finger after mistaking it for a half-eaten French fry.

By Jerry Mennenga/ZUMA Press/Corbis.

A wax figure of “Duke” Wayne looks on in disgust as Trump strains to reach his fingers all the way around daughter Aissa Wayne’s frankly rather petite shoulder. (Fun fact: you could load the barrel of Wayne’s pistol with 14 of Trump’s pinkies.)

By Tannen Maury/EPA/Corbis.

As Trump talks straight through a lunch-hour town hall in February, hungry New Hampshire voters appear mesmerized by the five chicken-tender-like appendages radiating from his sausage-patty-size palm.

From The Washington Post/.

Greeting voters in Iowa City, Trump surreptitiously compares his hand to a baby’s, a smile of satisfaction and relief slowly spreading across his face.

From Bloomberg/.

At the 1990 grand opening of the Trump Taj Mahal Casino Hotel in Atlantic City, wee hands try to summon a genie from a giant lamp. “It’s the motion,” Trump gamely jokes.

By Ron Galella/.

At a recent G.O.P. debate in Las Vegas, Trump’s “fun-size” grip fails to circumnavigate Chris Christie’s big, beefy palm. Trump attempts to regain alpha-male status by showing the New Jersey governor his impression of a Doberman pinscher wagging its docked tail.

By Robyn Beck/AFP/.

An interesting optical illusion: Trump’s left hand is actually in the foreground of the picture!

By Chris Cassidy/.

More ugly politics in South Carolina: Trump is forced to refute rumors, traced back to the Cruz campaign, that his fingers aren’t long enough for Christian prayer.

By Andrew Cowan/Scottish Parliament/.

Trump pretends to enjoy a pork chop on a stick at the 2015 Iowa State Fair, probably the one place on Earth where people won’t mistake a pork chop on a stick for Trump’s third hand.

By Win McNamee/.

In costume with actress Megan Mullally at the 2005 Emmys, Trump wows an audience of hardened entertainment professionals by wrapping his fingers nearly all the way around a pitchfork.

By Mathew Imaging/FilmMagic/.

Some pundits have attributed candidate Trump’s hawkishness to the fact that, even though his fingers have as many joints as a normal man’s, they remain at least an inch short of being able to form a proper peace sign.

From The LIFE Picture Collection/.

Nothing much to say about the fingers in this picture; just curious why Trump’s “anus mouth” face hasn’t also become a thing.

From CNBC/.

To this day, clubhouse attendants maintain that Trump had to be outfitted with a Babe Ruth Jr. Youth League glove for this 1991 appearance at Yankee Stadium.

From the Donaldson Collection/Michael Ochs Archives/.

At this 2005 gala, Trump, thinking quickly, uses both hands to keep wife Melania from getting a good look at the size of a single Puff Daddy hand.

By Johnny Nunez/WireImage/.

Trump’s delicate right hand is nearly crushed by his nine-year-old daughter Ivanka’s huge, burly mitt at a 1991 event.

From The LIFE Picture Collection/.

Presented without comment.

By Scott Olson/.



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